idk why but the more you ask me to care abt the both of you, the more i feel like running away. i want an escape. i know it’s not a good reason. but old age scares me. i wish i never had to watch anyone around me grow old and get worse in health, including myself. esp my loved ones. the worst thing is that…. i feel so handicapped in my love language twds you. it’s not that i don’t care. neither is it cos i only care abt myself and joel. you have no idea how much it pains me when i see her in pain or hear her grumble abt the deterioration of some part of her body. and when i have to ask for extra cash and see a slight dullness cross over your face and hear her say that you work so hard for that money. or just seeing you knock out on the couch in 5seconds flat cos you’re just so tired from sleeping abt 5hrs a day or less and having to work + do housework when you get home. i see the sacrifices you make for me. i know the both of you love sis and i. i do too. it’s just that up till now i still can’t bring myself to give the both of you a hug, or even to say ‘i love you’ in person. even over sms, it is difficult for me to say it on my own initiative. i guess it’s cos ever since pri 6 i distanced myself from the both of you. and since then it has been this way. i wish i could change it overnight or in a matter of weeks. i really do. before i regret it all my life.
i’m sorry that it feels like i don’t bother about the both of you. when you said those words to me today it cut so deep. because i do. i didn’t ask why she didn’t go to work that day because i knew it had to be smth to do with her health. i didn’t wish to hear abt it cos it affects me quite a lot inside. but i had no idea it affected her so much that i didn’t ask her abt it. i wish you knew that i care. esp abt your finances. sometimes i wonder if it’d be a lot easier on you if i went to nus or ntu instead. but it’s useless to talk abt that now. i’m glad God gave me that dream abt my acceptance by smu so i can never question if it’s His will for me to be in this crazy competitive environment. i kw without a doubt that it is. i wish i could juggle part-time work and studies at the same time so i could lessen some of your burden.
Lord, remove this desire, this compulsion to escape from my fears instead of facing up to them with You. cos i know, with You all things are possible. and in Your presence all my fears are wiped away. exercise Your sovereignty over me and my family.
In Jesus’ name, amen.
